LOVE INCOGNITO - Mistrust the cost of Milk and Honey!!!

I shy away from this topic, matter of fact I have a tendency to camouflage my place in it. I thought I did a very good job until a friend called me out and said...."You have so much love to give you don't know what to do with it". Off course me being me...I blew it off as bologna. After which I changed the subject, lol. What I didn't say was those words literally stripped and exposed a very tender part of me that I REFUSED or rather tried so hard not to show.  My past has had its disappointments, they tell me its not so much, but it sure was enough to conjure my need to tuck it away neatly the part of me that loved wholeheartedly and guarded with such loyalty those it sheltered. Its gallant array I folded so tidy and locked safely in a box, hiding the key so far it would not be found. But that's the point, I don't want it to be found. I love incognito...showing it only in spurts. Just enough to be felt, not enough to be held on to. I guess it is what my friend caught on before saying..."you have so much love... you don't know what to do with it." Love so vigorous it cannot be ignored.

In fright I feign "no desire" yet my need to love violently pounds on my chest asking to be let out. In frustration it yelps, "HOW LONG, HOW LONG WILL I BE SHELTERED!!!" but my mind, my pride will not allow it. Memory of  the effects of heartache are still so vivid so I hold myself hostage. Slowly the rate of the poundings declines, fading away into a regular heartbeat. The shouts turn into little whimpers as desire succumbs to its defeat of just being regular. "Its called tough love", I tell myself, "soon enough you'll see I am saving you from the agony of deceit and rejection." Though reluctant, desire chooses to agree and there is a cold familiar silence as opportunity waltz' away.



My story is many women's story who have been hurt, neglected and abused. Their experience of near insanity, jolted them into the reality of their vulnerability. In the midst of the battle they realized the value of their sanity. Any force that threatens it is met by an even stronger force called will power. The ability to choose to participate in a certain activity. They say, "Where there is a will there is a way". Rightfully so, even though there be many inhibitions  to our abilities it is possible to still penetrate into a given territory only if you are a willing. In the absence of our willingness though well equipped with expertise, the rate of success in completing a given task is zero.

" But the men who had gone up with him said, 'We cant attack those people; they are stronger than we are.' And they spread among the Israelites the bad report about the land they had explored. They said, 'The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size.' " Numbers 13:31-32(NIV)

"...The land we explored devours those living in it." The statement that crippled a whole generation from experiencing milk and honey. After this they would go around in circles for 40 years, all but two surviving the ordeal and entering the promised land. How is this in coalition with my this story of love. I beg you to walk with me to the beginning.

It was a love relationship between God and Israel, full of promises and many engagements in the fashion of covenants. Often times the Bible refers to Israel as the bride and God the bridegroom. In many ways God salvaged Israel from many hardships including the famine that led them into Egypt. He saw to their favor in Egypt by sending and exalting Joseph, well in advance. Israel enjoyed many good things. This remained like so even after Joseph's death until another King who did not know him assumed the throne. This bride who once knew nothing but love and favoritism now suffered anguish in the hands of her lover turned oppressor. This continued for many years until finally her God adhered  to her cry and came to her rescue. While He drew her out of oppression she still remembered her wounds, her scars still confirming the validity of her memory.

She understood fully that she was no longer oppressed but trust was still an issue. Her oppressor once loved her and was kind to her. The words of Pharaoh when he learned from Joseph of Israel's need for a settlement, "Your father and brothers have come to you and the land of Egypt is before you; settle your father and brothers in the best of the land . Let them live in Goshen. And if you know any among them with special abilities, put them in charge of my own livestock." Genesis 47:5-6 (NIV). With this order Israel was saved from famine.

This same 'savior' would turn around later and oppress her for being prosperous. He would kill her children and burden her with hard labor. Does this sound familiar, loved and catered for by what seems like Prince Charming as he whisks you away from the world of loneliness (famine) only to later beat and oppress your emotions if not your body so he can tame you? Israel was familiar with kindness but was also well aware of how quickly romance could turn into abuse. So even though she followed her only hope out of slavery, she was unable to fully trust that her new Beau would remain true to her as they went further along in their journey. Hence her second-guessing behavior as they approached this new territory she was supposedly going to conquer. She needed to be sure that she was not being duped...NOT AGAIN!!!

Unfortunately her mistrust cost her...the land of milk and honey withheld, only to be given forty years later. In mistrust she delayed her place of rest instead holding herself hostage forcing her need to love to agree with her 'intelligent' sense to mistrust so she succumbs to what many women succumb to, silent defeat as opportunity waltz' away.



Evidently memory does not serve her "right". Instead it serves a disservice to the enrichment of her life. How then does she forget, how does she turn a blind eye to the scars on her face and on her back, how does she not feel the callous from the scars of her once broken heart, how does she turn off the ringing bell of insults drumming on her eardrums. She is free, no longer obliged to oppression. However memory of the process that was necessary, now bolts her down from progress. it took forty years of roaming for her to forget, her memory slowly dying off, and when she forgot she was able to walk in and seize the land.


 A dose of amnesia is so urgently needed because until we forget and stops reliving our experiences we are incapable of making the choice to fully love and trust the genuine people around us. In Israel's case her safety relied on her trusting her new Beau whose obsession was that she understand His loyalty towards her. His words, "How long will they REFUSE to believe in me despite the many miraculous signs I have performed among them?" Numbers 14:11 (NIV). Even though a deity, He was unable to override the one thing she has total control over, her Will Power. She must consciously choose to trust Him, otherwise all His attempts to express His love to her are futile.




LET IT GO, JUST LET IT GO. It so much easier to walk round with a free spirited than it is to walk around defensive and looking for error in everyone and everything. We often walk around with negative notions that we even miss the point in that which is good and healthy for us.
It happened there is not so much you can do about your past but you can still walk victoriously into your future.





So I made the decision to embrace the people around me, to cut the bars that inhibit me. "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:13-14 (NIV)  I will not lie it is very awkward. Having lived my life a certain way for a long time, the discomfort in change is inevitable and it will be for you too. I hope  you embrace. Start with the people sited right next to you, embrace them wholeheartedly. You never know who you meet, it doesn't have to be romantic, but they might just be the key to your promised land.




Its just a Diary of a Reforming Woman....Cheers to days of Milk and Honey *wink*!!!



Yours Truly,

~Penzi Amani~