THE CHILD IS DEAD-There is no sense in weeping.

"But now that he is dead why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me" 2Samuel 12:23 (NIV)

Like every other human being, I have my troubles. Things I wanted and cannot have, things I don't want but still have. Though annoying, I like to think it necessary to have these misfortunes. They remind me of my imperfections.

While I can rid myself of the things I do not want, I find my greatest irritant is that which I want and cannot have. The powerlessness in my inhibitions absolutely drives me nuts. Unable to hide my frustrations, my vulnerability has often been misconstrued. Many will share my sentiments, "No" is not an easy pill to swallow. You'd have to understand my background to know where I was coming from.

My mother, a very successful entrepreneur...very intelligent, has always had this drive to her. Hers was not an easy path, in my early years of life we struggled financially. We, my siblings and I, got to witness her grow from the ashes...from being penniless to experiencing success. As the oldest child, she allowed me a much more in depth view of how to carry out business. I am a daughter of a relentless woman. If I did not know better I would think her immortal. In getting business taken care of, my mother is a BEAST!!! Nobody mess with her, even her male counterparts revered her. A no-nonsense woman, lets just say her traits I desired to replicate.

 I deeply admire individuals that produce an air about them, making the statement they know what they are doing and are not to be trifled with. Even more so when the "Yes I can" attitude is tempered the ability to be kind and merciful to others. I have met such individuals both male and female, sadly just a handful, but I must say...MUCH RESPECT!!! Numerous examples I taught me how to win, but nobody taught me how to lose. Maybe because failure was never offered as an option but it is inevitable. Every man/woman must experience failure. My question, after failure how do I succeed?

"One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, 'Isn't this Bathsheba the daughter of Eliam and the wife od Uriah the Hittite?' Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him and he slept with her.(She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent word back to David saying, 'I am pregnant'. " 2Samuel 11:2-5 (NIV)

 

 

The story of David is not unfamiliar to us...matter of fact it is among the most popular of stories in my opinion. Great King, who waltz' in splendor brought down by his inability to guard his loins. Between this story and the 'Samson and Delilah' saga, I am yet to decide which one wins the accolade in the Bibilical Hall of shame. If anyone had any doubts these two men are proof there is no such thing as perfect people. We all have inadequacies, the things we have and don't want yet still have to live with. Our only strength in our inadequacy, the ability to keep it controlled.  

 

 

In David's time it was not unnatural for a king to desire a woman and just take her, in this case Bathsheba. It would be considered a disobedience for her not to appear before the King and later meet his need. "No" is not an acceptable answer, as subject to the King you do what you are told, no questions asked. After the deed David gets news that Bathsheba is pregnant and we all know the turn of events. David calls back Uriah and tries to pin it on him which doesn't work, so he places him in the front line, Uriah is killed in battle, David takes Bathsheba in as his wife and as far as David is concerned, all is well. Until he gets a special visit from the Prophet Nathan.

 

"There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except this little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children, It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a slaughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare the meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him." 2Samuel 12:1-4 (NIV)

 

David being the "just king" that he was, was enraged at the tale. His pronounced death on the perpetrator. Had he known he convicted himself, am sure he would have come up with a much lesser verdict. Isn't it amazing how harsh we become when we are looking at someone else's woes without empathy. Imagine the shock when Nathan responds, "You are the man!"

 

 

 I love  his reaction, I guess because its of what I would do. You know you've messed up and there is no fixing it so you just weep in regret.  Don't worry David, I feel ya *wink*. The impertinence to the grace accorded to him by God is obvious, but God accords it anyway. Instead of a death sentence, he is forgiven. The child to be born of Bathsheba is however lost, a consequence for his actions. Still determined to change God's mind, David takes to fasting. He pours ashes on himself and lays in the dust. At this point the baby is very sick which leads to his death. The servants start whispering, afraid to tell him what has just transpired because they fear the death of the child will traumatize him to death. Nobody was ready for a double tragedy. David notices his servant's behavior so he asks, "is the child dead", they say "yes".

 

"David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and realized the child was dead. 'Is the child dead?' he asked. 'Yes,' they replied, 'he is dead'. The David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went into his own house, and at his request they served him food and he ate." 2Samuel 12:19-20 (NIV)

 

His servants were shocked at his behavior. It was not consistent with their expectation. He was supposed to be weeping and distraught but instead he looked relieved. If you didn't know better you'd think he went into fasting weeping so the child would die. His servants confront him...questioning his conduct. I love his response...absolutely love it.

 

"He answered, 'While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him but he cannot return to me.' " 2Samuel 12:22-23 (NIV)

 

 

"But now he is dead why should I fast". Why should I keep weeping over something I have no control over. Why should I keep pursuing a dead situation, a dead relationship, a dead job? Why should I cry further over spilled milk? I cannot recover it, so I let it be. The disappointments in our lives are sometimes a  result of poor choices we make. After we realize the error there is only two ways to work it. Either wallow in misery or dust our selves off and move on. Yesterday is gone but today is another opportunity to succeed. David did not let his defeat keep him in despair. Matter of fact, he rose up, went to comfort his wife and they made another baby who would later succeed him as King.

 

 As I write this, I am encouraged. I realize my imperfections, though real, cannot hold me down except I let them. Even though I sometimes make poor choices and suffer their consequences there of, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me. I choose to forget what is behind and push towards what is ahead. Pity parties only keep us locked in stagnation. Let it go. Let go of the dead baby, let go of the regret, pick yourself up and move on.

 

 

Moving on,

 

~Penzi Amani~

PRUNE IT,DON'T CUT IT, IT WILL GROW: I wont quit attitude...RESILIENCE!!

You are probably wondering why I make such a fuss on my hair. I will tell you why.

About 5 years ago I went through what I perceive to be the hardest time of my life. I lost my job, my only source of income, a relationship that I believed would end in marriage…at first it was cool because you know I am thinking something will turn up, Something always turns up. Having been a Christian for only a year, my new found faith would keep me a float for some time...until my savings ran out after which my 'faith' wasn't so faithful. I survived on baked beans and broccoli which did not work well with my stomach but for nutrition’s sake I ate any way. Then electric company cut off my lights and later I would get the dreaded eviction notice. Slowly I depleted the contents in my faith tank and before I knew it I was running on empty.

I have always done my own hair. Being the perfectionist that I am I always was very unhappy when I visited the American Salons. I got tired of half-baked relaxer treatments and on other occasions a fried scalp so I went on a “do it yourself” rampage.

Even though I toyed with the idea of going bald, I never could get myself to do it. Mostly because I feared the negative feedback I imagined I would get. In my mind my peers would  definitely make a spectacle of my shiny scalp. Plus after an ongoing relationship with my hair lasting about 22years, lets just say it was difficult to let go...our bond too strong.

It happened after my lights got cut off. Broke, no power for my equipment…maintenance became an issue. In the summer heat of the hundreds in Orlando, FL, the last thing I needed was to wear a hot wig. I mean my life was hot as it is, the air conditioning in my car didn’t work and with no lights it dint work in my apartment either. So I made the decision, it was looking ugly and unkempt and frankly there were bigger and more important things to worry about like PAYING MY RENT, so I decided to cut my loses. I let go of my baggage, the bald eagle become my new counterpart in the world of hairstyling.  That fateful afternoon I took a deep breathe, closed my eyes and put the clippers to the task. A follow up with a razor and shaving cream would complete the great master piece of my beautiful, now naked head...Michael Jordan style ;-).

I got mixed reactions from my audience, my pastor literally ran away from me, shocked at the discovery that his “daughter” as he called me, now looked like a boy. I still laugh at the memory. Like many African men he made it clear he disapproved. I learned, African men value a woman’s hair. I did get numerous compliments from my ladies...can I get a Whoop Whoop... and the American male population. They said I looked eccentric. I could go on and on talking about the feedback but that’s another story for another day. After this event I went about my life and after some time the event was just but memory until two years ago.

I was at a much better place financially. I had stable income coming in. My hair had grown out enough to create a pony tail. It happened my friends and I had just had an amazing time of prayer and fasting during the week prior to our friend's wedding. I am prepping for the occasion when all of a sudden I just feel this dense atmosphere. I recognized it, I have been in it the whole week, it was the Holy Spirit. What was strange is there was sadness in His persona which boggled me at first as I did not understand why. My hair was in my hands, I was trying to hold it up in a pony tail. Memory of my bald head came to me so vivid. At this moment His expression of sadness became stronger, then I was able to associate the two, His sadness and my bald head. It was clear to me what made Him sad. I come to a place of such despair my option, to cut off my glory. Please don't misconstrue this for me saying God hates bald heads, No. God finds us beautiful no matter what. However, to every man/woman is a path they must follow and my path demanded that He bring my hair to my attention in this moment.  He said to me, “ Don’t cut it, prune it, it will cascade down your back”. I began to weep, it never occurred to me my hair mattered to Him let alone my actions bringing Him such grief. Its just hair for crying out loud, my thoughts.

After I was done fixing my hair, I stepped out of the bathroom and co-incidentally my roommate walked out of her bedroom. In a very cut tone she said, “never cut your hair again”. Naturally it took me aback, I mean was she eavesdropping on me? It would be impossible for her to do given the relationship between a man/woman and God is so private. No person can ever interfere. Curious, I questioned why, her response, “ I just felt I needed to tell you that”. I knew it was no co-incidence, there was a message I needed to heed to. It would take me two years however to really understand the lesson behind the instruction, "Do not cut it, just prune it and it will cascade down your back (it will grow)".

I must admit I paid special attention to its length. I adopted protective styling techniques, deep conditioning treatments every two weeks when its loose and yes I trimmed my ends regularly. The results, long bulky strands cascading from my scalp onto my back. My hair is the longest it has ever been. My mother, amazed at how beautifully it has grown. I almost made it a vocation to convince her I had no weave tracks.

I always thought it was just God's way of showing me He cared. If He paid attention to such an insignificant part of me  in my eyes, how much more my destiny. However, on my way to church this morning I realized there was a greater lesson to be taught. A lesson on endurance. DON'T CUT IT JUST PRUNE IT, IT WILL GROW!!!

Pruning by English definition: to cut or lop superfluous  or undesired twigs, branches or roots from; trim. 

Lessons from my science and agriculture lessons taught me on the importance of pruning specifically in a tea plantation. At first I thought why not let the tea bushes grow tall so you get more tea leaves in return. This was until I learned, allowing the uncontrollable sprouting of already grown shoots would translate into less produce. It is the same with rose bushes. In the feat of survival, a lot of nutrition is wasted in trying to sustain the overgrown stem, depriving the new lustrous shoots of food. End result, low production. 

"I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit so they will produce even more". John 15: 1-2 (NLT)

 

Jesus verifies this in His teaching on the vine and the branches. He refers to all that follow Him as the branches and Him being the true vine. He also makes reference to the Father who dresses this vine. Making clear that if a branch does not bear fruit it is cut. The fruitful ones He prunes. Holding the word true to its English definition, the unwanted parts of this branches are removed, promoting better production. He then continues to say, "Remain in me and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me" John 15:4 (NLT)

 

Prior to cutting my hair it was there was potential to its growth. In turn it would produce a beautiful mane, my pride and joy... "Isn't long hair a woman's pride and joy? " 1Corinthians 11:15 (NLT). The minute I cut of off, I rendered it useless. Its potential for growth, its potential for beauty died the minute the shears hit its roots severing it from my scalp. My scalp was its source of nutrition, its source of life. As long as it was attached to the follicle there was hope. All that ended when I severed the two.

In times of adversity, it is not uncommon to question our hopes and ambitions. The most frustrating moments in my life are when I know I can do better but I am not. Kind of like what happened with my hair...I knew it could look better but it didn't. The only problem is I let it burden me, I focused on what it was not instead of seeing what it could be. In despair I gave up and cut it off. My question, how often do we dismiss our potentials as futile and choose to cut them off, capitalizing on how difficult, in some cases deeming it impossible to succeed? How often to we in desperate times refuse to succeed?

DON'T CUT IT- Don't give up, don't give in. Hold on to what you know its true, it might be full of growth. It might have some dead ends but it is still alive. As long as you are breathing there is still hope for tomorrow. You are not dead Yet!!! You are God's creature, " 'For I know the plans I have for you', says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope' " Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT). Don't give up, HOLD ON!!!

PRUNE IT- It's a learning experience. A vine dresser must take the time to study his vine so He distinguishes the useless branches from the fruitful ones. The fruitful branches He must further study so he breaks off any unnecessary buds, thorns etc. Giving the branch a better chance of producing better fruit. You and I my friend are these branches. Adversity prunes us to produce better fruit. This is an opportunity to build character which then gives us a hope. A man with great revelation wrote,

" Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete needing nothing. " James 1:2-4 (NLT) 

 I noticed there are times when my hair even though long, the ends were dead and uneven. I would then take a pair of scissors and nip off these ends. At times I'd be tempted to postpone a trim because I did not want to lose the length but I would remember the lose meant a better gain when it grew longer and healthier. Even though somewhat unwilling I would put my scissors to good use. The pruning season is painful but advantageous in the long run resulting in greater joys. We sharpen our skill in this season.

 IT WILL GROW-  The term "will" insinuates  "desire to". Right environment, right nutrition, removal of obstacles in the process of pruning, results in growth by default. If we revert to the gospel of John the fifteenth chapter, the words of Christ,

"You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you...Yes I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who remain in me and I in them will produce much fruit." John 15:3&5 (NLT)

I put it to you that as long as my hair is attached to my scalp and I am pruning it, I MUST experience healthy growth. Ladies, you want your hair to grow longer, keep it, trim it, wash it, detangle it, eat right, drink lots of water and the result....LONG, HEALTHY HAIR!!! The right conditions instigate growth. Jesus lets the disciples know that if they remain attached to Him they are bound to produce good fruit. In Him is the bread of life, water to hydrate them, peace to sustain them. Combine that with some attitude checks, a little rebuke and even reprimand, perfect recipe for empowerment.

 

 PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: I choose to keep my hair...the episode of the bald eagle re-rerun scheduled for when I am 30 has been cancelled never to be aired again. I am committed to growth, not just in my hair but also in my walk with Christ. Keeping my faith in Him, embracing every moment of reprimand and allowing myself to shine for His Glory...MY GROWTH. I REFUSE TO QUIT, How about you?

Your's truly

~Penzi Amani~

 

 

 

 

VALENTINES: Tis the season to be LOVING!

Valentines week is here...naturally lovey dovey bubbles are in the air. TV commercials, store front ads, everyone seems to know what time it is. Guys you better break a leg trying to impress that special lady and I don't mean that literally. You still need your legs. Needless to say an urgent trip to the ER...NOT SO IMPRESSIVE!!!

I couldn't emphasize just how important love has proved to me. I am afraid this blog is turning into a lover's blog. It just proves how in so many levels Love Does make my World go round. In my private studies of the Bible I see event after event of God's demonstration of love. Even in anger, he still loves. Today I put the spot light on one scripture in particular.

 

 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans5:8 (NIV)

 

I have an amazing family, the first child of three. My mother loves us to bits. In early years she would go to extremes so we could have the best of things. Sometimes it meant going the stretch of dressing in second hand clothes, or doing her own hair. All so we could eat the best foods and dress in the best clothes. My former classmates will testify I always had the strangest but cutest things. Her efforts coupled with my Father always treating me like a princess, because to him I was the best among my peers, gave me the illusion that every person in this planet loved each other. Rightfully so because there was no reason to hate, everyone was nice to me. I got a rude awakening from my blissful slumber, one after noon when my grandmother came to visit. I was only five. Sad to admit but she was not the nicest person on this planet. It was obvious she did not like her daughter in law, my mother, but being a child I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. After all I am her son's first child and I was named after her. Children always have a way to see the good in people.

 

So I run into her arms, I remember my hands were on her lap when my mum came and abruptly picked me up, taking me with her to the kitchen. Apparently my grandmother had made a remark about not wanting me around her, I did not understand it, she spoke a different language, but my mother did. So she came to get me and said, "Learn to know when people want you around them". Shocked, in silence I got the message clearly. I had never known anyone not to like me, I didn't understand it...needless to say from then on there was a rift between us. We would visit her house but I would barely say two words to her. I loved and respected her but was unwilling to build a relationship with her. It all stemmed from that single event.

 

Years later, she fell ill. It was eminent even to her that she was passing on. School was closed for the holidays and we went to see to her. She had lost a lot of weight,  apparently she had not been eating. Her frailty was a result of lack of nutrition. My cousins and I decided to make her some food, I fed her. After a couple of spoonfuls she was unable to hold it down. She threw up. Her expectation was I would run and have someone else clean it. Instead I did it myself and also helped her change into clean clothes. She was shocked at my actions, all of a sudden she started apologizing to me. To her I was a representation of my mother. Later I learned her reason for apprehension was my mother had taken the attention of the only son she believed to have made something of himself because he pursued education and was working in a government office. On her death bed she apologized for transgressions she committed against my mother, words she had spoken to her and of her. Then told me her final goodbyes because she was certain in her mind, she would soon die. We met one more time but on Christmas Eve we got news of my grandmother's demise.

 

"...While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8 (NIV). He did not wait for us to be kind to him, to worship Him or even give a loud HALLELUYAH!!! He didn't wait for us to be right. He did it when we were so deep in the mess of our iniquity. He came in our weakness and frailty. He fed us his truth...yet we still rejected and spit it out. He cleaned up our mess and changed our clothes. In this clean up we found redemption.

 

If we loved like He loved even in our marriages...divorces would be extinct. We are taught from early years to only love when we are loved...but loving the unlovable has shown to bear better fruit. Had I not shown the act of kindness to my dying grandmother whose to say what would have happened. An act of kindness created opportunity for repentance. It created opportunity for reconciliation in our relationship. I can honestly say I love her, to this day I am ecstatic it was me who cleaned up her vomit and no one else.  So this Valentine...love that special someone despite them not being "in their right mind". A right mind will love, if they are not loving you they cant possibly be in their right mind.  A little bit of kindness might just turn them around. HAPPY VALENTINES!!!

 

~Penzi Amani~

 

 



HUNGER WARS: When "No" is not an acceptable answer!!!

"A hungry man is an angry man", you've heard this adage. You would agree with me...it would be considered unnatural to find a hungry man skipping down the street so jolly. Many would term the person a schizophrenic. Sanity would tell this person, he is in lack. Sadness if not anger should be the right sentiment in such a predicament.

This adage sheds light to a symbiotic relationship between anger and hunger. It actually describes it peak moment. I am almost certain the person that came up with the adage did not think of food. It is much deeper than that. He was describing frustration.  A hungry desire....I want, I need, I cannot have...result I am angry. Why am I angry...because "No" is not an acceptable answer yet it keeps getting thrown to my face. He was saying...I need to hear a "yes".

A beautiful woman she was, must have been. Married to a man who absolutely adored her. He did everything in his power to please her. Giving her the best of the sacrificial choice meat, double the portion compared to her co-wife Peninah, who unlike her had children to feed. Still it was not enough. The bareness in her life overwhelming, not to mention the taunting from Peninah. Year after year she had to endure mockery.

Elkanah would have loved to be the solution when he said "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" 1Samuel 1:8 (NIV). What he did not know was her satisfaction could not be found in him. Her hunger was not that of choice meat, neither her husband's love and understanding. Her hunger was for a child. In her own eyes, she would be termed complete by her ability to not only attract a husband but give him children. She needed and wanted to meet this need. She was distressed by her inability to meet this purpose.

"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow to the Lord saying, 'Oh Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servants misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.' ...Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, 'How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine.' 'Not so, my lord,' Hannah replied, 'I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.' Eli answered, ' Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of Him.'

She said, 'May your servant find favor in your eyes.' Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast." Genesis 1:9-18 (NIV)

The cumulative effects of hunger, led to desperation, which then instigated angry pursuit. She was sick and tired of her hungry situation. Her need had to be met if it meant spending the rest of her life, her head rested on that altar. She was not going to leave until she heard a "yes". My opinion, she could have heard the yes from a goat about to be slaughtered and she still would have risen up and walked. The issue here was not where it came from. After a long time of  defeat, this woman needed a glimmer of hope. Look at her prayer "...if you will look upon your servant's misery and remember me..." 1Samuel 1:11 (NIV). She did not care how...she just wanted to be remembered. We call it a sign, when Eli spoke onto her situation with favor that was enough for her. It lifted her countenance.

As I think about this story and I look at my areas of hunger. Angry pursuit is justified. How much hungrier does a person need to get so they realize they need to rise up and pursue what they know they are capable of? Is it another year of taunting by your failures, or another decade of same old same old? Tell me, what exactly does it take, to instigate a repositioning from the cushion which is our comfort zones, into the realm which I admit is unknown but has hope. Hannah had delved into a life of pity parties long enough. Peninah would taunt her and her response would be a silent cry at the table, unable to even enjoy the choice meats her husband had laid before her. I guess its true what say, misery does loves company. The only reason for Peninah's taunting was out of jealousy because she recognized the special treatment handed to Hannah by Elkanah.

It wasn't until Hannah rose up from this place of pity and pursued what she knew was rightfully hers, from the source, that she was able to accomplish what she knew to be her purpose. Relentless she pressed on until she finally heard the sound of a "Yes". "No" was no longer an acceptable answer. My prayer is we arrive to this place where we reject rejection and press our way into acceptance, we fail failure by winning, we turn our backs on taunt by relentless pursuing purpose, turning our misery into victory.

My conclusion: An arrow rested in its quiver is useless. It must be taken into the hunters hand and propelled towards the prey. Hit or miss, then and only then does it serve its purpose as an arrow. Gifts and talents granted to us should not be in a quiver but should be taken into our hands and released into the air towards a target...DESTINY!!! Destiny stands in need of you and me.

So what is your purpose? What are you here for? What are you doing to accomplish it? Think about it.

~Penzi Amani~